He Fell for My Words, Not Her Voice

My online boyfriend wanted to hear my voice, but I'm mute. Desperate, I asked my roommate, a broadcast journalism major, to take the call for me.

Her voice was soft and honeyed, and the two of them hit it off.

The second it ended he asked to meet in person, and teased me. "You turned me down so many times, I was starting to think you were mute." I was terrified of being found out, so I made myself break up with him, and I blocked him.

A month later, backstage at the campus showcase, a goodlooking guy stopped me while I stood there holding a bouquet.

A voice I knew pointed at my roommate onstage and said, "That's my girlfriend. Can I be the one to give her these?" Chapter 1 Backstage the lights were dim.

The guy pressed his palms together in front of his chest, begging. "My girlfriend's mad at me and I have to make it up to her. Help me out here?" "Please?

Please?" The voice was clear. Exactly the voice from the call. By then it had been a month since I blocked Trevor.

I hadn't expected him to be this stubborn about it, or to pick my roommate Camilla out on nothing but her voice and know she was the one who'd been on the phone with him that night. "Not talking?

You're that standoffish, huh?" He muttered it under his breath. I came back to myself. I quickly let go of the wrapping I'd crushed in my fist.

Trevor's eyes lit up, and he clapped my shoulder, delighted. "Thanks!

When I get my girlfriend back, dinner's on me." My shoulder was warm where his hand had been, and my whole body locked up for a second. I nodded, too fast, at nothing in particular.

Backing into the shadows offstage, I saw him straighten his collar. Then he took a bracelet out of his pocket and tucked it in among the flowers. I'd seen that style before.

Camilla had been going on about it for half a semester. My head was a mess. I left before the showcase ended and went back to the dorm alone.

When I came back from the showers at the end of the hall, a few of our roommates had Camilla surrounded, egging her on. "The guy every girl on this campus is in love with, and he gets up onstage to hand you flowers?

He's after you, isn't he?" Camilla's voice went soft, a little bashful. "It's not like that.

He probably just thought I did a good job emceeing and wanted to say so with flowers." "Oh, please. That bracelet is Tiffany.

It's fiftyfive hundred dollars on their website." One of them grinned at her. "You're gorgeous and you've got that voice.

Maybe it was love at first sight." "Stop, all of you!" The room broke into noise.

I was about to climb up to my top bunk when someone stopped me. "Louisa, how come you're back early?

You feeling okay?" Before I could answer, Camilla said, offhand: "Actually — how did Trevor end up taking the flowers from you?

Are you two close?" I paused, then typed out an answer for her. "He asked me for them himself." Camilla glanced at the screen and smiled. "That explains it.

I mean, you two aren't exactly from the same world.

How would you know each other? "Today was probably the first time you'd ever seen him in person." I held on to my phone and didn't explain any further.

What Camilla didn't know was that I'd seen Trevor a long time before that. Ten years ago, when I was at a specialeducation school, Trevor came with his parents to volunteer.

He was only a year older than me, and he talked like a little adult. White buttondown shirt, crouched on the floor, smiling as he handed out school supplies to the kids.

Before he left, he wrote his Instagram handle on the whiteboard and said we could come to him about anything. Everyone else crowded up to copy it down.

Chapter 2 I was in the back row, and I wrote it down too, quietly. Later my mother divorced my father, the one who beat her. We left our hometown, and she put me in a normal school.

The first time we had computer class, a classmate helped me set up an Instagram account. I hit follow, and it went through right away. Nothing came back at all.

I froze, and stayed nervous a long time, not knowing what I was supposed to say. Then the classmate explained: his account was public. Anybody who hit follow went straight through.

There had to be a lot of people following Trevor. A lot. Only then did I let out a breath. I stayed quietly among his followers, lurking on his posts.

Trevor loved manga, though he was always posting to complain about the plots.

To understand his inside jokes, I wrote the titles down and went to the bookstore to catch up on the originals.

I learned who was who, and I even handdrew fan art of his favorite character. I posted it and forgot I'd set my account to public around then.

To my surprise, Trevor came across it, and he messaged me first. [This is the most expressive fan art I've ever seen!

Can I commission you sometime?] That was the first time he ever spoke to me. I was thrilled. My reply was flat. [Sure.] Over time we got to know each other.

At first we only talked about plots and characters. He'd complain to me about the author padding the story, or tell me, all excited, how good the new figures looked.

I answered carefully, deleting and rewriting every line, terrified of getting a single word wrong. After a while the conversations widened. We started sharing our days.

Except everything I shared had been carefully edited.

I didn't tell him I lived in a oneroom rental, that my mother was deaf and couldn't speak, that she made a living doing alterations.

I didn't tell him that when I was five my father got drunk and scalded my throat with boiling water, and I never spoke again.

I didn't dare make my family sound too welloff either, because I'd never seen how rich people lived, and one word too many could have given me away.

I made myself a story: an ordinary family, but parents who loved me. Like a bad actor holding a script that wasn't hers, refusing to leave the stage.

I knew it was wrong, and I sank into it anyway, and we started dating. Trevor was gentle, and with a girlfriend he was generous.

Every anniversary he'd send money to my Venmo, though I never once kept a cent of it. Because I felt guilty.

So when he said he wanted to hear my voice, I didn't know how to tell him no. I went to Camilla and begged her to take one call for me. She was studying broadcasting.

Her voice was sweet. The day of the call, I sat next to her. I listened to her pass herself off as me and call Trevor babe. Easy. Natural.

When he said, delighted, "Your voice is so soft, baby," something in my chest went sour, like a hand closing hard around it. Camilla had no idea who was on the other end.

After she hung up she even said, "Your guy has a nice voice. Kind of like that Trevor at our school." "Not that it could be him.

He's got more girls after him in real life than he can count. Why would he date somebody online?" "And imagine if he pulled a mute like you.

What a waste that'd be." She covered her mouth and laughed. She didn't seem to mean anything by it. It hit me like a blow to the head, and my hand tightened around my phone.

Trevor was someone the world was made for. Money behind him, a bright future ahead of him. And I was a mute who couldn't even talk.

The online thing was probably just something to pass the time for him. I was the greedy one. I'd crossed a line. So when Trevor asked for another call, I finally made up my mind.

I ended it, and I put him on my block list. Chapter 3 For the next two weeks, the story of Trevor chasing Camilla went all over the Glenmoor campus.

He waited for her outside our building in a sports car with the trunk full of champagne roses.

They ate at a hotel's rooftop restaurant, and Camilla posted the view of the city at night on Instagram, captioned just grabbing a bite.

She came back from every date with an armload of snacks and boba. She'd say Trevor bought all of it, and the others would cheer and crowd in to grab some.

Somebody asked her: "He's hot, he's rich, and he's this into you. Why haven't you said yes yet?" Camilla smiled. "A girl has to hold back a little.

If you're too easy to get, nobody values you." Not loud, not soft. Exactly loud enough for the whole room to hear.

I kept my headphones on and my head down over my drawing, but the words got in anyway, like fine needles, pricking at my heart one after another.

At night they'd be on the phone for a long time. Camilla would slip out into the hallway and go soft and coaxing. That sweet voice, exactly the one she'd used on the call for me.

I took my things down to the bathroom at the end of the hall. As I passed her, I heard Trevor mention me. "Hey, that girl backstage at the showcase, the one holding your flowers.

Do you know her?" he asked, offhand. "She seemed pretty standoffish. I talked to her and she wouldn't answer me." "Louisa?

That's not her being standoffish." Camilla shot a glance at me and laughed under her breath. "She's mute. She can't talk." My hand clenched around my cup.

Whatever they said after that, I didn't stay to hear. I walked quietly back to my bunk and curled myself into a ball. I was used to it, really.

From losing my voice at five until now, more than a decade, I'd had plenty of time to get used to being called mute.

But a secret I'd guarded that carefully, that long, had been lifted off me so lightly, and it still hurt. Even though to Trevor I was nobody. Someone passing through.

Trevor's birthday was that Saturday. Camilla was planning to say yes to him that day, and she couldn't decide what to give him. She sat with her chin in her hand, stuck.

One of the girls leaned in, grinning wickedly. "He doesn't need anything. Get all dressed up and give him a kiss.

His Highness would like that better than any present." Camilla went red and shot back, mockindignant. "What are you even saying? Trevor isn't like that.

He's a gentleman." I listened, and my pen stopped on the page. Two months ago, before I ended it. I'd asked Trevor what he wanted for his birthday.

He said, half joking: [Put a bow on yourself and give yourself to me.

I want to kiss you…] My face went red enough to bleed, and my fingers added and deleted and added again in the message box before I finally got anything out. [Stop it!] He couldn't stop laughing. [I'm just teasing you.

How are you this cute, baby.] The horsing around in the room rose into chaos, and I was an invisible person set into the middle of it.

It wasn't that they were leaving me out on purpose. They talked fast and changed subjects faster.

By the time I'd typed something to add, the subject had already gone a hundred turns down the road.

I was a little fish half a beat behind, never able to catch up with the school swimming ahead. Over time, nobody was willing to stop and wait for me anymore. I don't blame them.

I'm the slow one. I was used to that too. I changed my clothes and went out without a sound. Chapter 4 After my shift I didn't go straight back to school the way I usually did.

I went to the mall nearby. I'd walked past the comics shop on the third floor plenty of times. In the locked glass case was the complete limited edition of Trevor's favorite series.

The number on the price tag was exactly what I made in a month at my job. I hesitated for a long time. What right did a stranger who couldn't even talk have to give him a present?

But somewhere deep down there was a small voice: call it… call it a period at the end of tenodd years of loving him in secret. In the end I gritted my teeth and paid.

It was heavy in my hand. I was walking with my head down and didn't notice someone bump into me. A few of the hardcover volumes spilled out.

I crouched down fast to gather them up, and another hand got there faster. "Careful." That clear, familiar voice came from over my head, and my whole body seized, like I'd been nailed to the floor.

I looked up slowly, straight into Trevor's eyes and the surprise in them. "Oh.

It's you." He glanced down at the volumes in his hand, and his eyes crinkled. "Did Camilla send you to pick these up for her?" I went blank.

Seeing my face, Trevor hurried to explain. "This series is how Cami and I met in the first place.

I never thought there was somebody else in the world who got me like that." My hands closed into fists. There was a boulder on my chest.

The ache and the unfairness came up at the same time. For a second I almost rushed up to tell him. Camilla didn't care about manga at all.

The person who understood him wasn't Camilla. It was me. "Up there emceeing, with that sweet voice — I knew it was her the second I heard it.

First time I ever dated somebody online.

I figured it'd fall apart the minute we met in person." The laugh in his voice was a bucket of cold water thrown over me, and it woke me right up.

What he liked was Camilla, sweetfaced and sweetvoiced. Not a mute who couldn't say a word. I got my face back under control, blank again.

I reached for the books, and he lifted them out of the way. "Backstage the other night, I didn't know you… couldn't really talk." He put it gently, going around the word that stung. "Saturday's my birthday.

I've got a restaurant booked. Come with Cami." "Consider it me paying you back for the flowers." What business did I have at a date between him and Camilla?

I started to shake my head, but Trevor pushed the books back into my hands without waiting for an answer. And before he left, he made a sign at me. It was sign language.

It meant, waiting for you both. He was long gone and I was still standing there in a daze. My palms itched, like small insects crawling under the skin. How did he know sign?

Back at the dorm, I pushed the door open. Camilla was at the window, her face dark, staring at me. From where she stood you could see everything on the ground below.

She tipped her phone screen at me, the hostility in her eyes almost spilling over. "What did you say to Trevor downstairs?

Why does he want me to bring you to his birthday?" The room went silent. Several pairs of eyes landed on me. I gripped the paper bag in my hand.

I got out my phone and typed. "He took my flowers at the showcase. He said he wanted to thank me.

I'm not going to the birthday." Camilla read it, and her whole face changed. "Oh, that's all it was.

I'm sorry, I had it wrong." She pulled me down into a chair, her voice going soft, a little wounded. "You know how it is. Trevor's just so perfect.

There are so many girls around him. I get insecure, that's all." Chapter 5 I shook my head and eased my arm out of her hands. Camilla didn't seem to mind.

She sat back down, touching up her lipstick, complaining. "Trevor's always going on to me about manga, characters, whatever. I don't understand a word of it.

Every time, all I can do is laugh along. It's exhausting." Then her eyes dropped to what I was holding, and lit up all at once.

Before I could react she'd pulled the volumes out of the bag. "This is it!" She flipped through them, pages rattling, like it was the most natural thing in the world. "And here I had no idea what to get him.

Sell me these?" I stood there. My hand was still up in the air, and I drew it slowly back. I'd bought them for him anyway. And I was never going to get to give them to him.

In the end I lowered my eyes and gave a small nod. I went to the birthday on Saturday after all. Camilla wouldn't let go of it for two solid days.

She said a moment that important needed a witness. And I could take pictures for her. The dinner was at the most expensive French restaurant downtown.

I'd never been anywhere like it. Walking in behind Camilla, I felt wrong in my own skin. In the private dining room, besides Trevor, there was a tall, thin guy.

Blackframed glasses, a mild, bookish look. Trevor's roommate, Nolan. Camilla took the seat next to Trevor like it belonged to her. I hesitated, then sat in the one that was left.

Camilla pushed the limited edition across to Trevor, smiling shyly. "Happy birthday. I know you love this one.

I went to a bunch of stores before I found it." She said it so easily, like she really had trudged from store to store in the sun.

Trevor paused, and asked her, "You picked these out yourself?" "Of course. I practically walked my legs off finding that limited edition." He didn't say anything.

He looked over at me. I put my head down without thinking and took a long swallow of water. The ice water went down my throat and pressed the panic flat.

The appetizers came out and the table finally loosened up. Camilla knew how to talk, going soft and playful with Trevor. She was born to be the center of things.

Anywhere she went, the eyes went with her. I cut up the bread on my plate and sat there quietly, being scenery.

A menu slid in front of me. "See what you want." I hesitated, then pointed at the cheapest prix fixe. Nolan nodded, and when the server came he ordered it for me.

Camilla laughed behind her hand. "You know Nolan's the top student in his major, and he's so nice. Louisa, you don't have a boyfriend, right?

You should hold on to this one." My hand tightened on my glass. Nolan rubbed the back of his head, embarrassed. "Don't start.

We're eating." "I'm not starting anything." Camilla laughed harder and shook Trevor's arm. "Louisa's not that pretty, sure, but she's got those two little dimples.

She's cute enough when she smiles." "Isn't she?" And at that, he did look up. His eyes came to rest on my face. I kept my own down. My lashes wouldn't stop trembling.

I reached up and pulled my bangs over the new breakout on my forehead and the shadows under my eyes. My ears burned red. I wasn't used to being looked at.

Trevor's brows drew together. He patted the back of Camilla's hand, his voice cooler. "Just eat. Leave her alone." Camilla pouted, but she did drop it. The main course was steak.

Chapter 6 Camilla made two tries at hers with her knife and fork. Then she pushed the plate over to Trevor, all sweetness. "I can't cut it.

Will you do it for me?" Trevor didn't say anything. He took the plate and cut it into small pieces, careful about it. The light caught his lashes and laid a small shadow under them.

His hands were practiced and gentle. It was the way I'd pictured him a thousand times through a screen. My chest went tight. I looked down.

I'd punched several holes through a lettuce leaf and hadn't gotten any of it into my mouth. There was a small movement beside me.

At some point Nolan had cut up his own plate, and he traded it for mine. My throat closed. I shaped the words thank you with my lips. He waved it off with a bashful smile.

At the edge of my vision, the person across the table seemed to glance over. "Try this soup," Camilla said, lifting a spoonful of seafood bisque. "It's incredible." Trevor didn't open his mouth.

His eyes went to the bowl, and his brow creased. "Aren't you allergic to seafood?" The private room went quiet for a second. Camilla stopped short, the spoon still up in the air