The Capybara's Survival Guide to Reality TV

I lived as a literal capybara. Now, the body of a canceled, Dlist actress traps me. Hate comments and death threats flooded my notifications.

I sat there, chewing a lettuce leaf. "Works for me." The internet flatlined.

Weeks later, on a live reality show, Daphne—the notorious spoiled heiress—sneaked into my pitchblack room. "Can we cuddle?" she whispered.

I blinked into the dark, brain completely empty. "Probably a bad idea." "Doing it anyway." "Works for me." The live chat exploded. [Her emotional stability screams green flag.

I'm obsessed.] Overnight, my popularity skyrocketed. College students swarmed my comments, passionately begging me to legally adopt them.

I sat on the couch, staring at the glowing screen, thumbs hovering to reply. A heavy shadow swallowed the light.

Declan leaned close, jaw clenched. "Type 'Works for me,' Piper," he growled. "See what happens." Chapter 1 I used to be a capybara.

A literal rodent with a square snout and coarse, broomlike brown fur.

My daily schedule consisted of exactly three things: spacing out, soaking in hot springs, and spacing out while chewing grass. We are the kings of unbothered.

The ultimate chillpill of the animal kingdom. Mess with us? You're punching a cloud. We literally do not care. We hate moving, but everyone loves us.

A pelican bro let me hitch a ride on his back. Short trip? An alligator bestie ferried me across the swamp. For dinner, we played Jenga. We stacked ourselves right on top of my mom.

Being the youngest and the smallest, I lost my footing. I plummeted. I woke up as Piper—a Dlist actress currently getting canceled across every platform on the internet.

A mechanical voice echoed in my head. [System error. I—I bound to the wrong host. My deepest apologies.

My deepest apologies.] I sat up, blinking slowly at the wall. [Works for me.] [Wait, what?] the System sputtered. [I just ruined your life.

You aren't mad?] [Nah.] I was just sleepy. I flopped back down. The mattress swallowed me whole. Heaven. A harsh ringtone shattered the quiet.

Guided by the panicked System, I blindly swiped the glowing screen to answer. "Piper, I'm with Savannah now.

Stop obsessing over me," Brody snapped, his voice dripping with disgust. "You pull another stunt on her, I will end your career. We're done.

Block my number." I let out a slow breath. "Works for me." I clumsily tapped the screen, blocked the contact saved as "Him", and tossed the phone away.

Then, I curled up and went back to sleep. I slept for two straight days. When I finally opened my eyes, a huge crowd packed my bedroom.

Meredith, my manager, stared at me with wide, bloodshot eyes. "You're… not dead?" Troy, a uniformed cop, and Casey, an EMT, flanked her.

Out in the hallway, Peggy and a few other nosy neighbors shoved their phones through the doorway, livestreaming the chaos. I blinked. I was… hungry.

Ignoring the absolute circus, I dragged myself out of bed and shuffled straight to the kitchen.

I ripped open the fridge, grabbed a massive head of romaine lettuce, and just started crunching.

Meredith's jaw hit the floor. "What the hell are you doing?" "Eating," I mumbled around a mouthful of greens.

She shot a panicked look at the glaring cops. "But—you slit your wrists! Peggy said you haven't left the apartment in days!

It reeks of blood in here, and your phone went straight to voicemail!" I looked down at my arm. Dried blood crusted over a jagged set of bite marks. Right.

I must have gnawed on my own arm in my sleep. We capybaras have terrible eyesight. We basically chew on anything in front of our faces.

No wonder the grass in my dream tasted so metallic.

Meredith scowled, clearly not buying it. "If you didn't try to kill yourself, why didn't you bandage the wound?" I paused midchew. Oh. Right. Meredith just stared at me.

Troy slammed his notepad shut.

Casey crossed his arms, shooting Meredith a lethal glare. "Do not waste city resources," Troy barked. "Filing a false police report is a crime." Out in the hall, Peggy's voice spiked for her TikTok live. "She totally faked a suicide attempt because Brody dumped her!

All because she pushed Savannah into the pool!" Down on the street, Shane snapped rapidfire photos of the cops exiting the building.

The pictures hit Twitter before the squad car even pulled away. Chapter 2 The internet exploded with absolute rage. [Is she for real?

Faking a suicide attempt just because she got blocked? Talk about wasting police resources.] [It's been three years. Can't she just let it go?

Savannah and Brody are literally soulmates.] [She shoved Savannah on live TV! Savannah is still in the hospital because of her.] [Faking your own death for clout?

Pure psycho behavior.] "Look at this. Do you not have enough scandals already?" Meredith shoved her phone right into my face.

The number one trending hashtag glared back at me: PiperFakesSuicideAfterBrodyBlocksHer. A toxic wasteland of hate comments scrolled endlessly underneath.

Meredith stared at me, her eyes burning with sheer frustration. "Do you even want a career in Hollywood anymore?" "Works for me," I mumbled.

She dragged a hand down her face and sighed. "Whatever. Let it all burn. You start shooting that reality show tomorrow. Savannah and Brody are in the cast.

Thanks to your little stunt today, the livestream numbers are going to be through the roof." She pointed a sharp finger at me. "Just—try not to do anything stupid.

Then again, the internet hates you no matter what you do. Just eat, sleep, and keep your mouth shut.

You don't exactly have the brain cells or the emotional intelligence to pull off a redemption arc." Anyone else would have thrown a massive tantrum.

I just gave her a slow, blank nod. "Okay." Eating, sleeping, and keeping my mouth shut? That was literally the capybara lifestyle.

Though, calling me dumb and emotionally stunted felt a little uncalled for. I simply chose to ignore that part.

I dragged the heavy suitcase Meredith packed for me all the way to the set. The System gave me a rapidfire crash course in my brain.

I was cast in a 24/7 livestreamed romantic survival show. Savannah and Brody were the main stars. The old Piper was Brody's golddigging high school ex.

She dumped him when he was broke, tried to make it as an actress, and failed miserably. Then Brody graduated college, got scouted, and blew up into Hollywood's biggest heartthrob.

The old Piper had spent months harassing him. She had cornered him outside dressing rooms and begged for a second chance, which only made Brody despise her more.

The internet dug up her messy past, officially branding her a walking red flag.

Blinded by jealousy over his obvious chemistry with Savannah, Piper shoved the sweetheart actress, crossing the ultimate line.

In this survival show, Piper was supposed to play the classic evil ex, pushing the two leads closer together before spectacularly ruining her own life.

The System finished the data dump and awkwardly apologized. According to the plot, I wouldn't survive much longer. I just nodded. Living sounded fine. Dying seemed chill, too.

The System fell silent.

The male cast included Graham, the billionaire tech heir; Brody, the Alist heartthrob; Asher, the Oscarwinning actor; and Declan, as ruthless New York royalty.

The female lineup featured Savannah, America's sweetheart; Daphne, the spoiled heiress; Aria, a megaviral influencer; and… me.

The live broadcast started the second we hit the island. We all crammed into a rustic beach cabana and kicked off the awkward introductions.

To fasttrack the chemistry, Marshall, the director, instructed everyone to use nicknames.

When it was my turn, I stared blankly at the circle. "Just call me Capybara." A few people stifled a laugh.

Even Declan, lounging directly across from me, let a dark, amused gleam flicker in his eyes.

Chapter 3 The live chat immediately exploded across the screen. [Lmao, total pickme behavior. She's just trying to get Brody's attention.] [You guys are reaching.

Marshall literally asked everyone for a nickname. How is she throwing herself at him?] [Piper breathes and the internet tries to cancel her.

Tragic.] Savannah covered a sweet, practiced smile with her hand. "I don't think I've ever heard Piper go by that before." [Told you she's an attention seeker!] [Savannah is still so polite to her.

Piper debuted years ago and Savannah is already way more famous. Embarrassing for her.] I couldn't see the massive screen projecting the live chat.

I just sat on the edge of a woven chair, totally zoned out while the others bickered over chores. I was starving. What was for lunch?

The crew only communicated with us through a chunky black twoway radio sitting on the center table. The radio crackled, barking out our assignments.

Declan and I were sent to the jungle to forage for food. Savannah and Brody got firewood duty.

Daphne and Graham were sent to track down the crew's hidden supply drops—bottled water, camping pots, and sleeping bags.

The last duo stayed behind to assemble some sketchylooking wooden cots.

Savannah tilted her head, her voice dripping with fake concern. "Piper, are you sure you're okay with these teams?" I gave a slow, blank nod. "Works for me." Savannah froze.

Brody's head snapped up, his dark brows pulling into a hard scowl. He clearly expected me to throw a massive, screaming tantrum over not being paired up with him.

But I was already spacing out again, my mouth hanging slightly open as I stared at absolutely nothing.

The silence dragged, heavy and awkward, until someone loudly changed the subject. Declan stepped into my line of sight, shoving his hands deep into his dark denim pockets.

He scoffed. "Let's go." I nodded, shuffling unhurriedly into the dense tree line right behind his broad back.

Meredith had dressed me in baggy denim overalls over a pale pink babytee, paired with matching pink Chucks.

A tiny capybara plushie dangled from my crossbody bag, bouncing with every slow step. Declan, as ruthless New York royalty, famously lacked patience.

He marched ahead until the trees broke, then whipped around to glare at me for lagging behind. He stopped dead. A small, bright yellow bird was perched directly on top of my head.

A grey squirrel clung right to my shoulder. I probably looked ridiculous.

Declan bit down hard on the inside of his cheek, a sharp muscle jumping in his jaw as he fought back a smirk. I blinked my large, vacant eyes at him. What was so funny?

Wasn't this just a standard Tuesday for a capybara? [Wait… I kind of hate to say it, but Piper looks adorable right now.] [Is she a literal Disney princess?

That bird has been riding on her head for ten minutes.] [That squirrel literally crawled up her arm and she didn't even flinch.] [So scripted.

Wild squirrels are terrified of humans. She definitely brought a trained pet to fake a 'cute animal lover' persona.

Major red flag.] We broke through the brush, stepping out onto the muddy bank of a small, secluded lake. Thick, waisthigh reeds surrounded the dark water.

It felt like a wild predator could leap out of the brush at any second. It was a deserted island, completely isolated. The perfect, hightension setup to force a TV romance.

Chapter 4 Declan didn't flinch. He'd spent his teenage years surviving a brutal, offthegrid military camp deep in the Mojave.

He was used to rattlesnakes and coyotes stalking the night. When he was a kid, a heavily armed syndicate had kidnapped him for ransom.

He'd slaughtered the mercenary guarding him and walked out covered in blood. Marshall and the producers knew his history.

It was the only reason they legally cleared him to carry a highpowered tranquilizer rifle and a tactical machete on set.

The crew had swept the island for apex predators before cameras rolled, but it was still wild territory.

They'd even dumped commercial snake repellent in thick rings around our cabanas just to be safe. I followed Declan's gaze.

Across the dark water, dense patches of wild pawpaws and ripe blackberries weighed down the branches. The dark purple skins were split, exposing sweet, dripping fruit.

I shuffled closer to the bank for a better look. A heavy hand slammed into my shoulder, shoving me hard behind a broad chest.

Before I could blink, Declan had the tranq rifle leveled. "Gator," he ordered, his voice a low, lethal vibration. "In the water." [Holy shit. Look at the reeds.

That thing is massive!] [It's swimming straight for Declan!] [If something happens to him, Marshall is getting sued into oblivion.

The whole network is going down!] The water exploded. Declan yanked my wrist, hauling me backward toward the tree line. A massive, armored snout broke the mud.

The gator dragged its prehistoric bulk onto the shore, hissing. Declan stood his ground. His sharp jaw clenched.

The muscles in his forearms coiled tight as he aimed the rifle, the machete gleaming in his other hand. I just stared at the gator. It blinked its giant, reptilian eyes.

The slitted pupils narrowed as it sniffed the air around me. The creature literally recoiled in disgust. A deep, rumbling voice echoed directly into my brain. "Ugh.

A capybara." The gator snorted. "Pass. Eating that will just drop my IQ." I blinked.

Three more tiny finches fluttered out of the canopy, landing softly on top of the bird already nesting in my hair. I didn't move a muscle.

Declan let out a harsh, frustrated breath, lowering the rifle a fraction. "We can't get past it to the fruit. We're going to starve today." Starve? Absolutely not.

Hunger is a capybara's worst nightmare. Our entire existence relies on the holy trinity: spacing out, eating, and sleeping. If one falls, the system collapses. I bypassed Declan.

I just kept walking. A slow, rhythmic, completely brainempty shuffle, dragging my pink Chucks right through the mud—one, two, step, pause. Zero rush.

I stepped directly onto the threehundredpound alligator's armored back. Declan froze. The gator didn't even flinch. It already knew the drill.

Capybaras hold an elite, VIP status in the animal kingdom. We are universally beloved icons of lazy, unproblematic existence.

Before Declan's brain could even process the absolute insanity of the moment, the gator slid smoothly back into the dark water, ferrying me across the lake. [Wait.

Is she serious right now? Is this a live stream or CGI?] [Did she just use an apex predator as a literal Uber?!] [Piper is dangerously stupid.

Does she actually think it's helping her?] [It's taking her to the deep water to deathroll her! I can't watch!] Chapter 5 Declan's finger twitched on the trigger.

The scope of the tranq rifle stayed locked on the gator's armored spine, but the massive beast was already gliding into the center of the dark lake. I took my time.

I plucked some wild pawpaws, stuffed my bag, and shuffled right back onto the gator's snout.

It ferried me straight back to shore. [She… she actually came back.] [Her bag is literally bulging.

Did she seriously just go grocery shopping?] [Since when are alligators vegan?!] [Savage.] [Are those birds playing Jenga on her head?

There are like six of them now!] [Is her neck not snapping? Her emotional stability is absolutely unhinged.] [Wild. I write fiction and I couldn't even make this up.

Who uses a threehundredpound apex predator as a pontoon boat?] Screenshots of me standing deadpan on the gator's back instantly flooded Twitter.

Within minutes, it was a viral meme backed by trending TikTok audio. Back at the camp, a cluster of popup tents now sat opposite the rotting cabana.

Daphne lounged on a folding chair, crossing her perfectly manicured legs. "Supply drop.

Marshall didn't completely screw us," she muttered, inspecting her nails. "He left a few tents.

I literally couldn't imagine cramming into that gross shack." The others nodded in exhausted agreement. Declan emerged from the tree line.

He had actually speared a massive bass at the edge of the lake. Combined with the wild fruit, dinner was officially secured.

After we ate, Daphne slumped back in her chair and rubbed her stomach. "I'm still starving," she complained. "I'd kill for my private chef's Tonkotsu pork ramen right now." I froze.

Pork? As in… water pig? Wait. Was she talking about me? Savannah completely ignored my internal panic.

She pointed straight at the largest tent in the center. "I'm sleeping in this one tonight." A few people frowned at the blatant entitlement, but nobody argued.

Brody immediately claimed the tent right next to hers. The moment the sun dipped, the two of them slipped off into the dark tree line for some manufactured, flirty screen time.

The live chat's hardcore shippers went feral. I lay flat on my back inside my tiny tent. I missed the good old days. Surfing the sky on the backs of majestic pelicans.

Spacing out on the African savanna, watching lionesses deal with their messy relationship drama. I let out a slow, heavy sigh. Whatever. It is what it is.

Being human wasn't the absolute worst. The next morning, Graham and Aria stayed behind to guard the camp from scavenging raccoons. The rest of us hiked out to forage for breakfast.

After Declan's gator warning, absolutely no one dared to go near the lake. We stuck strictly to the dense woods, scanning the brush for edible berries or small game.

The local wildlife practically buzzed around me, eager to say hi. I kept shooting sideways glances at Declan to make sure he wasn't noticing.

But his sharp eyes were already locked dead ahead. A massive, snowwhite pelican stood completely upright in the clearing, staring straight into my soul. Oh no.

I remembered the aggressive snapping. Those massive beaks clamped down hard, and it hurt. Pure instinct kicked in. I took a panicked step backward.

My shoulders slammed flush against a rocksolid chest. A heavy, blistering heat radiated through my thin shirt. Declan didn't step away.

His warm, slightly ragged exhale washed over the crown of my head, sending a sharp shiver down my spine. "You good?" he murmured, the low, gravelly vibration of his chest humming directly into my back.

I gave a slow, totally blank nod, my eyes glued to the giant bird. Pelicans are the absolute worst in the animal kingdom. They have zero boundaries.

They will literally try to tastetest anything that crosses their path. Total strangers? Doesn't matter. They will try to swallow you whole just to see if you fit.

And once they lock onto you, they stalk you, aggressively snapping their beaks the entire time. Savannah frowned.

She shot me a look of pure, holierthanthou savior complex—a sickening mix of pity and scolding. "Piper, pelicans don't eat people," she cooed, her voice dripping with condescension. "You don't need to overreact.

Look, you're scaring the poor thing." To prove her point, she practically glided over to the massive bird. She reached out with a cameraready smile and gently patted its head.

The pelican tilted its head. It stared at her, utterly stunned by her audacity. Chapter 6 I heard the massive bird's voice echoing directly in my head. Hmm? Don't know what this is.

Looks tasty. The live chat blew up with absolute praise for Savannah. [Knew it. Piper's fake animal whisperer persona is totally crumbling.] [Pelicans are literally harmless.

Why is she acting so terrified? She just wanted an excuse to throw herself at Declan. Major red flag.] [Playing the fragile victim. Savannah would never.

Animals have a sixth sense for good people. Look at it letting Savannah pet it!] I slapped my hands over my eyes. I slowly cracked my fingers apart.

Through the narrow gap, I watched the massive bird unhinge its jaw and clamp its beak down squarely over Savannah's entire head. It refused to let go. Brody panicked.

He snatched a thick branch off the dirt and swung it at the bird's wings