The Day I Stopped Waiting

My best friend fainted in the middle of her pregnancy, and the first thing her boyfriend thought of was having me ask my boyfriend, a doctor, for help.

But I knew Julian hated it when I bothered him with anything personal.

So I told them I'd already reached out to a friend who worked in OB at this hospital, and there was no need to trouble Julian.

In the end I still couldn't hold it in. "Besides, we might be about to break—" Before I finished, her boyfriend suddenly looked toward the doorway. "Dr.

Nash?" I looked up, straight into Julian's stunned eyes. Chapter 1 My best friend's boyfriend ushered him in, all warmth. "Dr. Nash, what are you doing here?

Oh—you must have seen Tamsin was here and come over.

We really are putting you out." "Oh, and—her condition right now, we were wondering…" Julian gave me a flat look and said, "I know the head of OB.

I'll have her come down and take a look." Her boyfriend was thrilled, nodding and thanking him.

Walking Julian out, I explained, "Um—thanks for today." "But you don't have to deal with this. My coworker's wife just texted.

She's coming by in a bit." I added that last part quickly. So he wouldn't think I was about to trouble him again.

The truth was, if Julian hadn't come on his own today, I never would have gone to him for anything.

Just last month I'd tried to ask him for a favor—my cousin's fatherinlaw had cancer. I'd barely finished before Julian hung up on me, impatient.

He said, "Tamsin Pemberton, can you give it a rest?" "Am I your personal physician?

Does dating you make every relative and friend you have my responsibility?" "Is my time not worth anything?" "Could you try having some boundaries?" Then he hung up.

But the night before that, Savannah, the young nurse who'd only just started on his unit, called him at three in the morning.

She said her cat wouldn't stop throwing up and she didn't know why, and he walked her patiently through a hundred possible causes on the phone.

At the end of it he sent her a headpat GIF and said, "I'm a doctor. Anything you need, anytime, just ask." He knows better than anyone what a doctor's sleep is worth.

But woken at three in the morning, he not only kept his temper, he had the patience to talk her down. To him, my cousin's problem was nothing but a nuisance.

The more I thought about it, the more it ate at me. That time, Julian and I had a huge fight.

I demanded to know why my problems were a burden, why asking him to glance at a set of test results meant I had no boundaries. I was his girlfriend. We'd been together six years.

Not only would he not help, he lectured me for asking. And Savannah? She woke him at three in the morning and he diagnosed a cat for her.

He even told her he was a doctor, that she could come to him anytime, with anything. In Julian's eyes, what was I? Why the difference? Why treat me like that?

I said, "Julian, just admit it. You like her, don't you? Don't you?" "If you don't, then why am I annoying when I wait for you after your shift?

Why do you take the bubble tea I bring you and drop it in the trash without a flicker on your face?

Why is it that when I come to you on your lunch break about something urgent, you tell me I'm cutting into your rest?" "And this little nurse?

I asked you to pick me up after work, and you said I had legs, I could get my own Uber." Chapter 2 "You've driven her home after her shift more than once.

You can forget the thing I asked you to bring back from a conference, but you remember to buy her a stuffed animal." "She wakes you up at three to talk about a cat, and you have all the patience in the world!" "Julian, say it.

Do you like her?" Faced with my hysterics, Julian was unnervingly calm. He didn't offer so much as a word of explanation.

He just gave me one cold, distant look, like I was a lunatic who couldn't control herself. Then he went to sleep in the guest room.

The next morning he packed without a word and left for a conference out of town. My feelings had nowhere to go. I didn't sleep for nights. Later, I did think it through.

I understood. It wasn't that my cousin's problem was a burden. It was this. To Julian, anything of mine was a burden.

Once I saw that, something turned sour in my chest and I wanted to cry. But I also told myself: Tamsin Pemberton, learn to read the room. Learn to have some boundaries. From now on.

Just stop bothering Julian. After that he spent a week at the conference, then came back and worked late for days without coming home.

All told, we hadn't seen each other or spoken in almost twenty days. Running into him now, I felt a little awkward. More than that. It felt like a lifetime had passed.

He heard me out.

Julian was still the same cool, indifferent man, his voice clear and plainly uninterested. "Suit yourself." I nodded and was about to go back into her room when a young nurse came up carrying two food containers. "Dr.

Nash, you said yesterday that my fried eggs were good, so I made two today." "Sooo? Want to try them?" "Oh, and your throat's been bad, so I brought lemon water too.

Aren't I suuuuper thoughtful?" Julian glanced at me without thinking. Only then did the girl see me. She tucked the containers behind her back on reflex. "Oh—oh, Ms. Pemberton.

It's you." It's you. Like I was the one who shouldn't be there. The nurse's name was Savannah.

She was the one who would call Julian at three in the morning about her cat throwing up—the one Julian could comfort so patiently. Savannah had caused several fights between us.

I'd even snapped at Savannah once or twice. So now, the second she saw me, she got nervous.

Right then, for instance: she edged behind Julian, her right hand closing on the hem of his coat without thinking, like she was looking for cover. "Tamsin Pemberton." Julian said nothing else, but the flat look he sent me had already gone impatient.

As if he thought I was about to say something that would humiliate Savannah again. I smiled at the two of them. "You two talk. I'm going in." No hysterics. No demands.

And no asking Julian, What's that supposed to mean? I haven't done anything—why are you looking at me like that? Why did he act like he was afraid I'd corner Savannah? But.

I didn't say any of it. The things I used to want to say, nobody listened to. Under Julian's silent treatment, over and over, I'd stopped wanting to say anything at all.

I used to hold it in, waiting for Julian to come around and make it up to me.

I thought if he just came around, I'd cry and tell him how much he'd hurt me, and then I'd say, "Julian, don't be like this, okay?" "Just make it up to me, okay?" As long as he stopped freezing me out.

That was all. Chapter 3 But he never did. Not once. I waited and waited, and the things I wanted to say, all that hurt, I swallowed on my own.

And somewhere in all that swallowing it down, what I felt for Julian got smaller and smaller. Right up to now—I saw Julian and Savannah standing together again, and I felt nothing.

Before I went in, I thought I felt Julian's puzzled eyes on me. Maybe it confused him, that I hadn't made a scene today. But Julian.

From now on, I'm not going to make a scene again. My best friend was watching the door, and she didn't look happy. "When did he get back?

He's back and he hasn't been home?" Clearly she'd heard Savannah out there too, all that about fried eggs yesterday. At the very least, Julian hadn't just gotten back today.

He was back and hadn't come home, and hadn't said a word about it.

To her, that was unthinkable. "Tamsin, is he with that little nurse a lot?" The times Julian and I had really fallen out, Savannah was behind all of them.

The first time, I'd come to see Julian—we'd agreed to catch a movie after work—and found Savannah eating the soup I'd brought over at lunch.

She set the thermos down on Julian's desk and said, "Dr. Nash, your girlfriend can cook. You're a lucky man." Julian said, "If you like it, you can have tomorrow's too." "Really?

Your girlfriend won't be upset?" "Don't worry. She's not that petty." That was the first time I got angry at Julian for having no boundaries.

I didn't understand how he could give away a soup I'd spent half a day on, and do it so casually. I thought if I brought it up indirectly, Julian would see the problem in it.

He didn't. He said, "It's a bowl of soup. Why are you keeping score?" Right. A bowl of soup. Why was I keeping score? But it just didn't sit right with me.

I tried to reason with him: I'd made that soup for him, specifically. And Julian said Savannah brought him food too—the soup was just returning the favor.

The knot in my chest pulled tighter. I demanded to know why he was eating food Savannah brought him.

Julian thought I was impossible, because to him it was just coworkers being coworkers. After that, there was more and more of it. I worked late and asked him to come get me.

He said his time off was precious and told me to get my own Uber—he'd pay for it.

I felt bad for him, so I never asked him to pick me up again—and then I saw a text from Savannah on his phone. [Dr. Nash, sorryyy!

That patient today was such a handful, I left you waiting almost an hour in the garage, boohoo, apologizing forever…] Only after I read it did I understand.

The two of them had agreed at lunch that Julian would take Savannah home after work.

That day a difficult patient kept her late, so she got down to the garage late, and Julian waited in the car for over an hour.

But that day, because it was raining, I spent an hour and a half packed onto the subway in soaking wet clothes.

And at that moment, my boyfriend was waiting to drive another woman home. That was the first time I asked Julian pointblank whether he liked Savannah.

Because I couldn't come up with anything else—Julian, who was cold to everyone, was different with her and only her.

Chapter 4 Even Julian and me being together in the first place happened because I chased him. I'd just graduated then.

On my way to work I passed out on the subway from low blood sugar, and while everyone else kept their distance, Julian was the one who helped me.

Later my company set up its annual physicals, and I saw Julian at the hospital again. I decided it was fate.

I started collecting his preferences, quietly finding out when his shifts ended, engineering runins.

When I found out he'd be working through Christmas, I even smuggled dumplings in to him. A whole year, and Julian didn't seem to feel anything for me.

Eventually I thought, forget it. He didn't like me, and me throwing myself at him over and over was probably a nuisance to him too.

But right when I was about to give up, after two weeks of no contact from me, he suddenly asked me to a movie. That time, I swear I heard something roar inside my chest.

It was telling me it was happy. That day Julian brought me a box of little cakes. Strawberry, my favorite.

I figured it was do or die, so I told him how I felt, shaking, and to my surprise, he took my hand. We were together.

But even together, Julian never felt like a man in the first flush of love. He was selfcontained, cool, and never said anything sweet. Except in bed.

I thought that was just who he was. I talked myself into it, and told myself this. That had to be who he was.

And this same Julian would eat the food Savannah brought him and drive her home.

He'd bring her a little present back from a conference, take her call at three in the morning and calm her down.

And even after I told him again and again how unhappy I was, even when I demanded, hysterical, whether he liked Savannah, he went right on freezing me out. He watched me fall apart.

He watched me look like a lunatic. And then he told me, "I think you need to calm down.

Because if this keeps up..." He paused. "I don't think we're right for each other." Then he disappeared for more than two weeks