The Letter Beneath the Candle

After I was diagnosed with cancer, I lit the candle my high school crush gave me for the first time — and found a note underneath. [Colette, come see me and we'll be together.] Those words were a full seven years late.

Just last week, he texted to tell me he was getting married. I sat there stunned for a long time, then Venmo'd him $9,000.

He answered in seconds. [?] So I just asked: [Is the wedding over yet? If not, could I come?] Chapter 1 Zane didn't answer.

A second later, my phone rang. "Aren't you generous." He let out a small scoff, a little mocking. "You give a gift that big, what am I supposed to give back when it's your turn?" I didn't know what to do.

All those times I'd started to dial his number and lost my nerve.

And now, out of nowhere, the call was happening. "You don't have to give anything back," I mumbled. "I'm not getting married." I'd never planned on it before, and now it was out of the question. "Oh.

Okay, then." Zane sounded a lot happier. "We're old classmates. Forget the gift, that's way too formal. Just show up." The money came straight back, quick and clean.

I blinked, a little deflated. He'd never needed money. Not back then either. What I'd sent on impulse was most of the savings I'd spent years building up.

It probably didn't even register with him. "Colette, just come tomorrow. I texted you the address." "What if you can't find it?

Never mind, I'll come get you." He kept talking on the other end, mostly to himself. "Colette, are you even listening to me?" I went a little hazy, like any second now some teenage boy was going to poke me in the forehead.

I came back to myself. "You don't have to pick me up. I couldn't put you out like that." The other end went quiet for a long time. "Tch.

I said it without thinking and you actually took it seriously." Zane bit off every word. "I don't have that kind of time." The call ended. I took a deep breath.

I'd been holding it the whole time without realizing. I put the address he'd sent into my maps. It was a wellknown hotel here in the city. Seven years without seeing him.

I'd imagined mountains and oceans between us, and he'd been in the same city the whole time. I looked at the note in the candle again and laughed, bitter.

The next day I packed a small bag and left. Before I went, I thought about it, and put the scented candle in the bag. The wax had set again.

There was still enough left to light it several more times. The messy, warped design it used to have was gone. After melting, all that was left was a deep blue.

After the last exam before graduation, Zane gave the whole class graduation presents. His family had money. Everybody who got one was screaming and cheering.

Before he could get to me, I started to slip out. I didn't dare use things that nice. I was afraid I'd get addicted to them.

I'd just turned and taken a few steps when he called after me. "Colette, where are you going?" Zane's brows pulled together.

He shoved the rest of the presents at one of his buddies to hand out. He came over fast, his voice a little rough. "Everybody's getting one this time.

You still don't want it?" He wasn't loud, but I looked around, nervous. Nobody was paying attention to us. I said quietly, "I just walked you through a few problems.

You don't have to give me anything." Helping him made me happy. I wasn't after anything. "Fine, forget last time.

But this one… it's not anything expensive." He looked awkward as he pulled something out of his pocket. I went a little blank.

His buddy finished handing out the presents and came over, throwing an arm around his shoulders.

Chapter 2 "What are you two whispering about over here?" "Holy crap, what is that ugly thing? A freebie?" Zane elbowed him. "Get lost.

You're the freebie." Once he'd chased him off, Zane clearly lost some of his steam. He forced it into my hands. "I made it for fun. It's yours.

You're not allowed to throw it out." Zane was overthinking it. He'd made it with his own hands. It really was a strange, lumpylooking thing, but I was always going to treasure it.

I moved so many times over the years, and I brought it with me every time. Then I was diagnosed. Cancer, latestage.

I didn't want to go through chemo, and I was getting ready to kill myself. That was when I could finally bring myself to light it.

The candle melted down bit by bit, like waves on the surface of the sea, and it smelled like sea salt and a faint coconut sweetness.

Zane had asked me once if there was anything I wanted to do. I said I wanted to see the ocean. When the wax melted all the way down, it was a clear blue.

His tenderness had crossed seven years, and it still hit me. In that moment, as hopeless as I was, I suddenly tasted happiness again. Late as it was, I didn't want to die anymore.

I wanted to come to Zane's wedding. I wanted to see him happy. Zane had said someone would be there to receive the guests when I arrived. I hadn't expected that someone to be him.

I stepped out of the car and there he was, with no warning at all. I wasn't ready. The congratulations I'd rehearsed came out with a stumble. "Con — congratulations.

I hope you two are happy." Zane stared at me without saying a word. I was so nervous. It had been so long since I'd done a full face. Was my eyeliner crooked? Had a lash come loose?

Since I found out I was terminal, I hadn't been doing well. It took a thick layer of foundation to cover how worn down I looked.

It was a while before Zane spoke. "So it's you, Colette." His mouth twisted. He didn't look happy. "Come with me." So he hadn't recognized me?

My face went hot with embarrassment, and I followed him obediently.

The walk was so quiet that I started scrambling for something to say. "What time does the wedding start?" After he sent the gift back, I'd rushed to order a $900 flower arrangement for the venue, and I had no idea if it would make it in time.

I was still thinking about it when Zane stopped and turned around. I almost walked straight into his chest. His eyes narrowed. "They haven't even set up the venue. You in a hurry?

More of a hurry than the groom?" That was when I noticed that his hair was styled and he was dressed formally.

But there was no boutonniere on his chest, the one a groom was supposed to wear. I was lost. "Then why did you have me come this early?" Zane's face went blank for a second.

He looked away. "Because… I need a favor." I agreed right away. "Sure. What can I do?" He took a long time, like it was hard to get out. "Right. I want you to be a bridesmaid.

We're one bridesmaid short." He looked right at me. "Will you?" Even knowing there was nothing possible between me and Zane anymore, a fine, prickling ache spread through my heart.

I told myself, Colette, didn't you come all this way to witness Zane being happy? Bridesmaid was even better. Closer than an ordinary guest.

I put myself back together and curved my mouth up. "Of course. I'd be honored." Zane walked me to a room. Before I went in, I hesitated. "I actually live in the city.

I can get here that morning.

You don't have to waste money on a hotel room." Chapter 3 Zane laughed, the kind of laugh that meant he was mad. "You'll send $9,000 like it's nothing, and one night in a hotel is where you start counting pennies?" "My family owns this hotel.

It doesn't cost anything. Stay and don't worry about it." Then he walked off. I looked down, painfully aware I was bad at talking to people.

I'd always been this good at making Zane mad. I set down my little backpack and went to the window. We were high up. The manmade lake below looked like a single blue tear.

I lit the scented candle and looked down for a long, long time. Wind came in off the balcony, and it really did seem to carry the smell of the ocean.

With that smell around me, I dreamed. In the dream I was back in high school. The night Zane gave me the candle, I lit it right away, and I saw the note.

And I still didn't go see him. I didn't dare use things that cost too much, and I didn't dare go near someone that far above me.

If I was going to lose it anyway, I'd rather never have had it. The dream was short. When I woke up, it hurt to blow the candle out, but I did.

The more of it I burned, the less there was left. Like the life I had left. So every day was precious. I pulled myself together and patted my own cheeks. "That's all in the past.

Be happy." I opened my phone. Zane had texted again. He wanted me to come downstairs. I got nervous all over again. Was he taking me to meet the bride?

On the way down I kept picturing what she'd be like. She had to be beautiful. Gentle.

Somewhere in all that, my soul seemed to leave my body, and I turned into a puppet that only followed instructions. Zane told me to get in the car, so I got in.

Told me to sit, so I sat. Right up until he walked me into a bridal shop and a whole row of wedding gowns stood in front of me. "Which style do you like?

Pick one." My soul snapped back into my body. I pointed at myself. "Huh? Me?" Zane answered fast this time. "You're both women.

You pick first, then I'll send her pictures." He thought for a second and added, "Because she's busy." I looked at Zane and said nothing.

I wondered if some look on my face, something I'd done, had crossed a line without my meaning to. Then I shook my head. "I'm sorry.

I can't pick." Put myself in her place: I wouldn't want the man I loved having another woman pick out my wedding dress. Every part of putting a wedding together was solemn.

Zane's face went dark. My own heart was heavy too. The Zane I knew had a mean mouth, but he'd always known where the line was with girls. He shouldn't have done this.

He shouldn't have brought a girl he used to go to school with to pick out his future wife's dress.

Especially not — not with that note between us, and that twoway crush that had died of nothing at all.

The wrongness in me peaked right then. "Zane Grantham, what happened to you?" It would be a lie to say I wasn't disappointed. But I knew people change.

Asking Zane to stay that cleareyed boy forever was asking too much. I thought about it and decided to go. "I'm sorry, Zane.

You should find someone else to be your bridesmaid." I knew perfectly well I'd come for the boy he'd been in high school. Time was precious.

I didn't want to spend what little I had left tangled up with a first love who'd gone rotten. After this, I could go see the ocean again.

If I could, I'd buy a plot somewhere near the water, or have someone scatter my ashes into the sea. Thinking about it made me happy again.

Chapter 4 I hadn't made it out the door before Zane, who'd gone silent, came after me and caught my arm. "Colette Bristow, does it really not bother you at all that I'm marrying someone else?" I turned to look at him, and my heart jumped.

Zane's fingers were shaking. "Why did you send me a gift?" "Why are you so polite with me?" "Why can you look at me like it's nothing?" He was losing control. "I've been testing you this whole time.

Can't you tell?" "Or have you forgotten what we were in high school? Forgotten that confession letter with your name whited out