Thirty-Eight Votes Against Me

My roommate turned down the scholarship in front of everyone. There was exactly one spot for our whole major, and her family was the worst off, so she'd been first in line for it.

But when the forms came around, her eyes went red and she said she'd rather live on one bagel a day than take money somebody else had donated and feel fine about it.

That straight back had our entire class calling her principled, calling it backbone. The comments floating in midair were going out of their minds.

Triple the scholarship money, plus a paid internship at a Fortune 500 company. She was pushing away what might be the one chance to change her life.

I had my hand on the thirteen dollars and seventy cents in my pocket. I knew that even on bagels alone, it wouldn't last me two weeks.

Before the professor collected the forms, I stood up. "Professor, if she isn't applying, can I put my own name in for that spot?" Chapter 1 The room went quiet for a second.

Our major ran as one cohort, with the same group taking every required class together from freshman year straight through senior year, so every person in that room was someone I'd be studying beside for the next four years.

Dozens of eyes swung onto me at once, like I hadn't applied for aid so much as reached over and taken my roommate Serena's money.

Whitney, our class president, was the first to frown. "Tess, that spot doesn't go to whoever stands up first." "Serena's just too ashamed to accept it.

Everybody saw what her family is like during orientation week." Someone beside her jumped straight in. "Right. Movein day she didn't even have a suitcase.

She brought her clothes over in trash bags. Her mom's been on medication for years, her dad hits people when he drinks, and there's a little brother at home.

Who in this major has it harder than that?" Serena's lashes trembled and she grabbed at Whitney's sleeve. "Stop.

I don't want to use any of that to make people feel sorry for me." The more she waved it off, the more people stood up for her. "How is that feeling sorry for you?

It's just the facts." "Some people go quiet all year, and the second there's money on the table they're faster than anybody." That last one was aimed at me.

My ears were burning and my palms were slick, but I didn't sit down. "Professor, I brought my documentation." I pulled a plastic bag out of the innermost pocket of my backpack.

Inside were my father's disability evaluation, the lowincome letter from the county social services office, and the bills from the hospital and the collection agency.

I'd shielded those pages the whole way across campus, and the corners had creased anyway. "My mom died when I was six.

My dad fell on a job site last year, and he can't move anything below the waist." "He was picking up dayrate work, so there was nobody to pay out after the accident, and his disability benefits are still stuck in the application process." "My grandmother is seventythree, and there's no income coming into that house.

Federal and state aid covers half my tuition. I've already borrowed the maximum in student loans, and the rest of it has nowhere to come from.

I need this chance too." Whitney's face stiffened when she saw the paperwork.

But it was Serena whose eyes went red first. "Tess, you don't have to open your wounds in front of this many people." "If you really have nowhere left to turn, I'll withdraw.

Just don't let everyone end up thinking two poor girls got ugly with each other over a little money." She had already refused it, and somehow this had turned into her giving it up for me.

A soft tsk came from the back row. "Serena's backed off this far.

Some people ought to know when they're satisfied." I pressed my documents flat and didn't take the way out she was handing me. "Whether you withdraw is your decision." "Standing up was mine." "I didn't take anything of yours, and I don't need you to give anything up." Serena's tears came all at once.

Whitney pushed a tissue into her hand and twisted around to glare at me. "Tess, do you have to be this harsh?" The professor knocked twice on the desk. "Enough." "This is a corporatesponsored scholarship.

The company makes the final call based on the documentation and its own site visits.

It doesn't get settled by an argument in this room." She set a fresh application form down in front of me. Chapter 2 "Tess, fill your paperwork out completely," the professor said.

Then she turned to Serena. "I'll ask you one last time. If you refuse now, I'll write it into the record exactly as it happened.

When the result goes to someone else later, you don't get to say anyone took it from you." Serena gripped her tissue with the tears still hanging off her chin, and the whole class waited for her to change her answer.

She shook her head slowly instead. "I don't regret it." "The person this scholarship is really meant for isn't going to get buried just because I pushed one form away." It was a beautiful line.

Whitney teared up on the spot, and another wave of hushed admiration went around the room.

The comments in midair were bouncing off the walls. [She actually thinks the donor is going to look at that refusal and see nobility.] [That's the founder of a Fortune 500 company.

Sloane Vaughn. She decides fast and never looks back! You think a little stunt like that gets past her?] [Tess, don't be scared, just grab the form!

Whether you get picked is a separate question.

Not getting your file in at all is what actually leaves you with zero chance.] I lowered my head and wrote my name in the applicant field, letter by letter.

The pen wouldn't stop shaking. It wasn't that I wasn't afraid of being passed over. It was that past the fear, there was no other road left for me to walk.

The next day the professor had the class fill out the company's survey.

One of the fields read, "Who do you think needs this scholarship most in your class?" Whitney handed the forms back from the front, and when she passed my desk the corner of the stack came down hard on the wood. "Family hardship isn't something you just say out loud.

The company looks at peer evaluations and everyday conduct too." I looked up at her. "And?" "And don't make yourself look worse than you have to.

Serena isn't fighting for it, but that doesn't mean nobody notices her." She went back to the front and was the first to write "Serena Pike" in the blank.

A few students in the front row picked up their pens after her. One, then two, and soon the whole room was nothing but the scratch of pen tips across paper.

Serena stood up in a hurry. "Don't put me down." "Tess already applied.

If everyone writes my name, imagine how she'll feel seeing that." Her mouth was telling them to stop, but her hand took the form that reached her without a single tremor.

Zoe hooked an arm through hers. "Who we write down is up to us. Just because you won't fight for it doesn't mean we let someone who cries and grabs walk off with it." "Exactly.

Once the donor reads this many opinions, she'll know who's actually worth helping." "Serena, don't do anything stupid when the time comes. If Ms.

Vaughn talks you into it herself, you can't exactly throw it back in her face." Serena stood there ringed by all of them, the corners of her eyes still red, the corners of her mouth not entirely under control.

She let out a small sigh. "If Ms. Vaughn really does come find me, I'll explain myself to her." "But if I accept, it's only because I don't want to let all of you down.

It isn't for the money or the internship." When the survey reached me, Whitney made a point of stopping. "Tess, put Serena down too." "Let the company see that our class agrees.

You've already submitted an application. There's no need to throw away your standing with your classmates on top of it." I wrote my own name in the blank.

Whitney's face darkened. "You've really got some nerve." "The survey asks who I think needs it most.

I think it's me." "On what grounds?" "On the overdue bill sitting beside my father's bed.

On my grandmother only letting herself eat one meal a day." I folded the form and handed it to the professor myself. "Writing anyone else's name would be spending my family's lives to look generous." For a moment nobody in the room said anything.

Chapter 3 Serena lowered her head and dabbed lightly at the corner of her eye. "Tess, nobody's forcing you to look generous." "You just want to win so badly that you've turned everyone into a competitor." That afternoon somebody tallied the results in the class GroupMe.

Serena had left that field blank. The other thirtyeight people had all written her name. I was the only one who had written my own.

Whitney posted a screenshot of the count. "The numbers speak for themselves." Replies came in underneath it right away. "Now the company should know how to choose." "Serena, you might want to start getting ready.

I hear the winner goes up on stage, so don't cry so hard you can't get a word out." "Some people can turn their paperwork in as fast as they want.

Aid isn't a prize for being shameless." Thirtyeight to one. I stared at that screenshot with my stomach aching in slow, empty waves.

My file was already in, but I had absolutely no idea whether the company would believe me. The comments drifted out one by one. [My blood pressure is going up just reading this.

A lowincome letter isn't a popularity contest. Thirtynine people praising her still doesn't cover Tess's dad's prescriptions.] [Tess, sweetie, don't let them scare you off. Ms.

Vaughn climbed out of poverty herself.

She reads the file, and she reads whether a person is actually willing to move forward.] I locked my phone, picked up my apron, and went to the dining hall.

Whether I got the scholarship was still undecided. Until the result came out, I had to find a way to keep myself from collapsing from hunger.

The workstudy job in the dining hall paid twelve dollars an hour. An hour and a half at lunch, an hour and a half at dinner, and the pay came at the end of the month.

I couldn't afford a meal plan, and this job at least covered the one meal that fell during my shift.

My first day I didn't know what I was doing and scalded two fingers red ladling soup.

The shift lead sent me to run them under cold water, but the students down the line were already rapping their trays in impatience. "Hey, can you speed it up?

I have class." I wiped my hand on my apron and picked the ladle back up.

Once the rush was over, I bought two bagels at the campus convenience store and ate them slowly at the table closest to the wall.

My thirteen dollars and seventy cents was down to eleven seventy.

The phone rang while I was tearing the second bagel in half to save for that night. "Tessie, is the school still after you about that balance?" The wind was loud on her end, threaded through with the sound of her labored breathing. "I went to see your uncle.

He doesn't have cash on hand, but he said he could ask around at that payday lender in town for us." My hand closed tight.

Borrow a thousand from that place and they had the nerve to want a hundred and fifty in interest in a single month. "Grandma, don't borrow." "If we don't borrow, how are you supposed to stay in school?

You think they'll just let you sit there for free?" "I got a job in the dining hall.

It covers my meal on shift, and it pays." I glanced at the hard, dry bagel in my hand and made my voice come out light on purpose. "I turned in my file for the company scholarship too.

The professor says my situation qualifies and told me to wait and not worry." What the professor had actually said was that she would pass it along exactly as written.

Until the result came down, I didn't dare say out loud that I had a chance.

My grandmother was quiet for a long time. "And what if you don't get picked?" The bagel in my throat suddenly wouldn't go down.

I cleared it and worked to keep my voice easy. "If I don't get picked, I'll pick up another job." "There's a convenience store near campus hiring overnights, and I can hand out flyers on weekends.

I've already asked about both." "Stop going around asking people for help, and stay away from money that costs that much. We're already in a hard enough spot.

We can't take on a pile of debt on top of it." She started wiping her eyes on the other end of the line. "It's your grandma who's good for nothing." "You raised me all the way to college.

How does that make you good for nothing?" I took a big bite of the bagel and laughed around it. Chapter 4 "I can handle it.

You take care of Dad and wait to hear from me." The call ended, and I sat with my head down for a good while before I got the tears pushed back in. A tray appeared across from me.

Serena was standing at the table with Whitney and Zoe.

Her plate held a few of the cheapest sides too, but she made a point of picking up the one hardboiled egg on it and setting it down beside my bagel. "Eat." "Don't starve yourself before the decision comes out.

People will think nobody in our class cares about you." Whitney glanced at my two bagels. "We filled out the survey yesterday and today you're eating like this.

The donor can't see you. Who exactly is the performance for?" Serena touched her arm quickly. "Don't say that.

Tess might genuinely be out of money." She nudged the egg forward again, her voice soft enough to pass for a sigh. "I understand wanting the scholarship. But Ms.

Vaughn is going to weigh everything in the end, and making yourself look pitiful may not get you anywhere." "And if you don't get it, don't blame the professor, and don't blame your classmates." I put the egg back on her plate. "I haven't blamed anyone." "You, though.

You keep saying you're not applying, so how is it you care about the result more than I do?" The softness on Serena's face stiffened.

Zoe set her tray down hard. "Serena was worried you couldn't take the hit, so she came over here to be kind about it.

Don't be ungrateful." I picked up what was left of my bagel and stood. "Then she can keep the kindness, thanks." "Right now I only want to earn money.

I don't want a lecture on losing from someone who already dropped out of the running." Behind me the table stopped dead for a second.

It wasn't until I was out of the dining hall that I heard Whitney lowering her voice to comfort her. "Why bother with her?

Once the list comes out, she'll settle down on her own." "Exactly. Our whole class voted for you. Unless Ms.

Vaughn has lost her mind, there's no way that spot goes to her." I heard that. I wasn't anywhere near as certain as they were.

All I could do was squeeze the eleven seventy in my apron pocket and tell myself over and over that the file had been delivered. A few more days of holding on and it would be over.

In the days before the announcement, Serena lived more like the chosen one than I did.

First Whitney put together a packet of "peer evaluations" for her, printing out everything our class had said in her praise and sliding it into a clear folder.

Serena said out loud that she wouldn't need it, then sat on her bed that night smoothing the crease out of every page. Then the school announced that Ms.

Vaughn of the Halloway Group would be giving a talk on Friday and naming the recipient there.

Whitney pushed a set of speaking notes at her immediately. "The professor wants the recipient to prepare three minutes of remarks.

Who else would it be?" Serena held the pages and took her time accepting them. "The list isn't out yet.

Doing this puts Tess in an awkward position." Zoe laughed out loud. "She's the one who wanted to compete.

She can afford to lose." "The company's site visit people came through yesterday.

Everybody in your dorm building told them about the trash bags you moved in with, about you living on two hundred dollars a month.

They were all sighing by the end of it." "Then look at Tess. She's been on campus a couple of weeks and she's already trotting out her father and her grandmother. You think Ms.

Vaughn can't see through a cheap trick like that?" Only then did Serena take the notes. She flipped to the last page and revised one line under her breath. "'Thank you, Ms.

Vaughn, for your generosity' is too blunt." "What if it were 'thank you for seeing someone who wouldn't bend'?" Everyone in the suite told her yes, that was better.

Chapter 5 I was at my desk checking over the supplemental documents the company had asked for when my pen stopped.

So she had already worked out exactly how to be noble about it after she was chosen. My phone rang right then.

The professor told me my father's disability evaluation was missing the clinic's contact information, and the company needed it fixed by noon the next day or they wouldn't accept the file at all.

My stomach dropped. The clinic back home had already closed for the day, my grandmother couldn't take a photo with a phone, and my father couldn't get out of bed.

Serena was up in the top bunk, and her speaking notes rustled loudly as she turned a page. "Is your file incomplete?" "Then you'd better hurry. Ms. Vaughn is thorough.

She isn't going to make an exception because somebody cried hard enough." Whitney turned around too. "If you really can't fix it, then let it go.

The company can't hold up the announcement for one person." I ignored both of them and took my phone out into the hallway.

First I called the clinic's afterhours line, then our neighbor, asking him to drive my grandmother over first thing in the morning to have the letter reissued.

Seven or eight calls in, I was down to one bar of battery.

Once she understood, my grandmother's voice changed with panic. "If it rains in the morning, that dirt stretch outside of town is going to be bad." "Take it slow. Don't fall.

As long as it gets sent before noon, we're fine." "And what if it doesn't get there in time?" I leaned back against the wall with my lips gone dry. "Then we accept it." "Tessie—" "But the time isn't up yet, so we don't accept anything yet." At 11:47 the next morning, the neighbor sent over the reissued letter.

I borrowed the computer in the professor's office to reassemble everything and hit submit at 11:58.

When the page came back with "Submission successful," both of my legs went out from under me. The professor handed me a cup of water. "Your file's complete.

Go home and wait for the result." I held the paper cup and couldn't stop myself from asking one more thing. "Professor, do I have a chance?" She looked at me for a moment. "All I can tell you is that the company reads every file carefully." That wasn't a promise.

For me it was already enough. The comments, quiet for days, finally surfaced. [11:58!

My palms were sweating right along with her.] [Don't pop the champagne yet, the list is still under wraps. But she rebuilt that file one phone call at a time.

She didn't sit around waiting for somebody to pity her.] [Serena's still in the suite rehearsing her acceptance speech.

One of them is actually fighting for it, the other is waiting to be handed it. Interesting, isn't it.] I stared at that last line with my heart slamming.

Until my name was actually read out loud, I still didn't dare believe it. Friday afternoon the school auditorium was packed.

I took an aisle seat in the last row with my coat, washed soft over the years, folded across my knees. Serena sat dead center in the third row.

She had ironed her white dress until there wasn't a wrinkle in it and redone her hair.

Whitney held the speaking notes for her, and Zoe had her phone up with the video already recording. "When you hear your name, don't start crying. Get up on stage first." "And if Ms.

Vaughn asks you to accept in front of everybody, stop refusing.

Refusing again would be an insult to her." Serena made a small sound of agreement. "I'll explain that I'm not accepting because of the money." "And if I'm ever in a position to, I'll pay every dollar of it back." The students behind her heard it, and another round of admiring sighs went up. "Serena, you're just too considerate." "The spot only means something if it goes to you.

Someone who only thinks about taking the money would never think about giving it back." Chapter 6 I sat with my head down, gripping the hem of my coat, my palms damp.

My grandmother had called the night before. The clinic had said that if my father went another month without rehab, the muscle in his legs would waste further.

She didn't push me about anything. She only asked whether the bagels in the dining hall were hard. I promised her I'd call home that night no matter how it turned out.

Applause started on stage, and a woman in a dark gray suit walked up to the microphone. "Good afternoon. I'm Sloane Vaughn, of the Halloway Group." She didn't start with the list.

She started with the year she turned eighteen. "When I started college, I had nine dollars in my pocket.

My meals that first month were paid for by a stranger who put money on my meal card." "So I understand better than anyone that admitting you need help is not shameful." "What's actually a shame is having the chance right in front of you and waiting for other people to guess, waiting for other people to talk you into it, and then watching it go by." The auditorium fell quiet.

The smile on Serena's face thinned, and she straightened up again quickly. Whitney leaned over to reassure her. "She's obviously talking you into it.

She knows you're embarrassed to accept." Serena took hold of her speaking notes, and her eyes brightened again. On stage, Ms.

Vaughn opened her folder. "Halloway does not run this program to pick the person who complains best, and we are not here to rank poverty." "What we're looking for is someone in a hard situation who is still willing to take responsibility for her own life." Every gaze in the front rows landed on Serena at once.

Zoe raised her phone higher with the lens already trained on her. Serena drew a deep breath, put her right hand on the back of the seat, and smoothed her skirt in advance.

I sat in the last row and didn't dare breathe too heavily. Ms.

Vaughn looked at the list and read out one clear line. "The recipient of the Halloway Group scholarship this year is—" "Tess Marlow, School of Business