Twice Lived, Never Yours

I loved him quietly for ten years. He made me pay for it with ten more. A man's chest, burning through my shirt. His hand ripping my collar open. I couldn't get air.

My eyes snapped open. I hadn't died in that wreck. I'd landed back here, ten years earlier, in this ridiculous night. Last time, one accident in this room was all it took.

The boy next door. Ten years of silence, and he never once told me what I'd supposedly done. Right up until the day I died, he was still waiting to run off with someone else.

Second life, same face over mine, and all I felt was sick. I kicked him off me, grabbed my coat, and walked out without looking back.

This time, I was going to stay far away from him. What I didn't know: I wasn't the only one who came back.

The man who spent one whole lifetime hating me would spend this one chasing me down a wet street, crying that he loved me.

Chapter 1 "Ellie." Julian caught my chin and kissed me, slow, unhurried, like he had all the time in the world. I turned my face away. His mouth landed hot on my throat. No.

He wasn't saying Ellie. He was saying Elle. Ellen Qin's nickname. My throat closed. So. I was alive. Neon blinked through the window. Inside, the air was hot enough to choke on.

I dug my nails into my palm. It hurt. Not a dream. No. Wrong. I'd been dead a while now. Even if this wasn't a dream, dead girls don't get to feel their own hands.

I hadn't just come back. I'd come back to that night. Last time, I thought he'd finally looked up and seen me. I was so happy I let the whole night happen. I found out later.

It was always Ellen Qin. Always had been. He'd had too much to drink and he grabbed the wrong girl. "Julian. Wake up." I got both hands on his chest and shoved.

Ten years I'd loved him. After this night, he hated me for ten more. Lucky me. Nothing had happened yet. Julian went still. Looked down at me. No lights on in the apartment.

Just the glare coming off the street. Drunk enough to slur, and his face was still pale and clean, his eyes still calm.

Calm enough that the girl I used to be believed he knew exactly what he was doing. "Ellie?" He'd finally gotten a good look at my face. Something moved through his voice.

Then his eyes went dark and strange. And he took my face in both hands and came down again, fast, like a man drowning.

I drove my knee up and threw my whole body into shoving him off. Then I was out the door. Cold air hit my lungs. I got my phone out and checked the date three times. I believed it.

I was actually back. I walked home fast, and ten years came at me all at once. Julian and I grew up next door to each other. Our families go way back. That night, Mrs.

Shen was the one who called me. Said Julian wasn't picking up his phone, asked if I'd go check on him. I'd known the code to his door for years.

I let myself in and walked straight into a drunk man. He said Ellie against my hair, again, and again, and I had nothing in me to say no with. I didn't come home that night.

Early the next morning, my parents and Mr. and Mrs. Shen let themselves in and found the two of us in one bed. Clothes all over the floor.

It was the excuse both families had been waiting years for. A semester from graduation, and the wedding was on the calendar. I was out of my mind happy that spring.

Ten years of loving him quietly, and I'd won. I could have floated. He'd always run cold. He never gave much away. But he sat through the engagement photos.

He came to pick out the ring. He never once said no. Right up to the wedding. There was a girl in the second row with perfect makeup, sobbing into her hands.

Everyone watching thought he was kissing me. What he was actually doing was putting his mouth by my ear and saying, through his teeth: "Eleanor Jiang.

Are you happy with how this turned out?" Before that day, I'd never met Ellen Qin. Julian was two years ahead of me. We were both still in New Haven, at different schools.

I'd never heard about a girl he liked. I'd never heard about him dating anyone at all. Julian gave me a wedding night I'll remember until I die.

He stood there and accused me of drugging him. Chapter 2 Of doing all of it on purpose. Of setting the whole thing up. "Eleanor Jiang.

Your cruelty makes my skin crawl. "Your love makes me sick. "You wanted me that badly? Fine. Have me. "You ruined my happiness. You'll never have your own.

Not for the rest of your life." I was still in the dress. My hands closed on the skirt and stayed there. I didn't make a sound.

Then he slammed the door and got started on ten years of hating me down to the bone. I slapped my cheeks, twice. Then I breathed in and went upstairs. "Ellie? Back already?

Is Julian all right?" Mom's voice. Dad in the armchair with his book, glasses down his nose. My nose stung. God, I'd missed this.

After I married Julian, there were years when I couldn't make myself come home. "Ellie?" I made a sound in my throat. "He's fine." He really was.

I'd called him an ambulance on my way out. Whether anybody drugged him, and with what. Let a doctor sort it out. "Come here, Ellie, what's this word?

Help your dad out." I pushed the whole night down, went over like nothing had happened, and sat there laughing with them for an hour before I went to my room.

Opened the door and there they were, all over my desk. Photos. Me and Julian, every year of our lives. I pulled the drawer open. The journals were still in there. All of them.

Untouched. Julian read them out loud to my face once. Every line I'd ever written about loving him, in his flat, even voice. Then he tore them out, page by page. I can still see it.

Ten years of a girl's private heart, snowing down onto the floor, and him at that same desk, mouth curled, looking at me like something scraped off his shoe. "Ten years old and you already wanted to own me. "Eleanor Jiang.

You're sick. "Although. Of course you are. Who else could have done what you did?" What exactly had I done. To make a tenyearold's clumsy little crush something he called sick.

I didn't get the whole picture until the week before Ellen Qin left the country. A membersonly lounge, very quiet.

Ellen sat there poised and pleasant, nothing like the girl who'd folded in half sobbing at my wedding. "I'm getting married, Miss Jiang.

You can take the videos down now." I had no idea what she was talking about. She smiled and slid her phone across the table. A thread of messages. The name on the account was mine.

The photo on the account was mine. "Leave Julian while you still can. "We grew up together. Our families have expected us to end up together since we were kids.

Have you no shame? "Or don't leave. I'll put the videos where the whole school can watch them, and everyone can see who Julian actually belongs to. "Ruin myself? Who cares.

Without him, none of it matters." I opened the video. It was that night. That room. My hand moved before I could think. I got out my own phone. Ellen Qin was in my contacts.

She was right there. The thread between us was blank. Empty. Nothing had ever been sent. She was still smiling. "I was the one who called Mrs. Shen that night, you know.

Told her Jules had too much to drink and needed someone with him. "I never imagined this was how you'd thank us, Miss Jiang." Every word out of her mouth was an accusation, and her eyes were bright with it, not bothering to hide a thing. "For his reputation.

For his future. I had to break my own heart and end it with him. "You must be so pleased, Miss Jiang." The words and the face didn't match at all, and that's when it landed.

She thought I might be recording. She just couldn't help herself either. She turned the enormous diamond on her finger. Turned it again.

Chapter 3 It wasn't until she stood to leave that she dropped her voice and let me see what was under it. "Mrs. Shen won't have me anywhere near Jules. "She looks right through me.

As far as she's concerned, you and Jules are the good match. "Pity." Ellen stood up and leaned down to my ear. "Eleanor Jiang.

The two of you will never have one good day. "He will never forget me. Not for the rest of his life." She was right about the first part. We never had one good day.

I finally understood why he hated me the way he did. Except by then it was three years gone. Three years of the two of us coming apart at every seam.

Three years ago he decided I was a liar. Three years later he didn't want to hear my voice in a room. I told him to let it go. He wouldn't. I asked for a divorce. He said no.

He held my parents' company over me and dug his heels in, determined to keep me tied there, watching him go cold for the rest of my life. I figured that was just how it would be.

From best friends at six to that. Funny, in a way that isn't funny at all. She was right about the second part too. He never forgot her.

The ninth year of my marriage, Ellen Qin got divorced and came home. Julian took her everywhere. They got photographed with their fingers laced together.

They got photographed kissing. Good. I could finally get out. I picked Ellen's birthday to make the call. Divorce papers. Best gift she was ever going to get.

Julian went quiet for a long time. "Come here. We'll talk about it in person." Right when I thought he'd say no again.

I looked out at the snow coming down in sheets. "There's nothing else. I want my parents' company. Everything that's yours stays yours.

I won't take a dollar of it." "After today, don't bother asking." And he hung up on me. Nothing left. Not one scrap of anything. I took the papers and went out anyway.

The snow that day was too much. Enough that when my foot came down on the brake, the tires let go. Ahead of me was an elementary school, letting out.

I hauled the wheel over and the car went with it. The car rolled. What a waste. I died still married to Julian Shen. Julian: [Ellie?] My phone buzzed. I opened it, and it was him.

So the hospital had him awake already. I didn't answer. I scrolled my contacts, and there she was. Ellen Qin. Already in my phone, this early. I had no memory of ever adding her.

None. Julian: [Ellie, where'd you go?] Another one. I frowned at it.

At this point in the timeline his mother had put a stop to the two of them, but he hadn't actually let Ellen go yet. He sobers up and doesn't call her. He calls me. Why.

I backed out of the thread. The unread was still stacking up. Spring of senior year, first week back. The class group chats never shut up. Nadia: [Ellie, is your suitcase packed?

Don't be late tomorrow.] I sat there for a few minutes before my brain came back online. Last time around, this was when Nadia and I were going to Boston to job hunt.

Then that night happened, and I thought Julian and I were together, so of course I wanted to stay in New Haven. I cancelled Boston. I typed fast. Me: [Dia.

What if we change the plan?] Nadia: [?] Me: [Let's go to New York.] Nadia: [New York?] My phone buzzed again. I didn't answer. Three from him tonight. Zero from me.

Right before the screen went dark, one more came through. Julian: [Ellie, where are you?] Chapter 4 Nadia is my best friend.

I was still working out how to explain when hers came through: Nadia: [New York! I'm in! I follow Ellie anywhere, no questions asked!] That got a laugh out of me.

We talked it through. Then I got up and repacked everything. When I was done, I took the photos off my desk and the journals out of the drawer, and my SIM card with them.

All of it went in the trash. I went to New York. Nobody knew but Nadia. Even my parents thought I'd gone to Boston.

Ellen had her game half played, and this time I didn't sit down at the board. I had no idea what she'd try next. Ten years tangled up with them. Ten years of loving and hating.

Julian, Ellen, all of it. This time I wanted none of it, ever again.

One month in New York, and Nadia leaned over with her eyebrows up. "Word is Julian's out there looking for you. "He's practically turned Boston upside down." One month.

Last time around, he didn't want to hear my voice in a room. This time he had the patience to go through a city block by block. He was looking for me? Why?

That last shove, I'd put everything I had into it. His head hit the wall panel pretty hard. Maybe he was holding a grudge. Whatever. I used to think I knew him.

That what we had was different, special, worth something. It was a trick of the light. There was nothing behind it. A pretty, fragile lie. Second month, Nadia landed a job.

I was still dragging my feet. "Ellie. Tell me you didn't drag me here and then decide you don't want to stay." Not even close.

Third month, the message I'd been waiting on finally came. A guy a year behind me in high school.

He had a project, he was short on money, and he wanted to know if I was interested in investing. Last time, I was busy waiting to graduate and marry Julian. He was in New York.

I turned him down flat, in one breath. He did all right for himself after that. Ten years, built from nothing, ten billion dollars. Not making that mistake twice.

Three months in, I put in every dollar I could move, borrowed more from my parents, and joined Felix Xie's team.

The first great mistake of my last life was walking away from my own work the second I got married. He'd said the cruelest things a man can say, and I still sat there hoping.

Sure that it was all a misunderstanding. Sure that if I was good enough, patient enough, twenty years of history would carry us over anything. Two years later I woke up.

By then, forget the Shen family holdings. I didn't even have a say in my parents' little company. "Elliebear.

How's this one?" There was an industry mixer that night and Felix was trying on suits. I gave him a look. Two lifetimes now. People call me Ellie. People call me El.

The younger ones go with Miss Jiang.

Only this guy came up with Elliebear. "You look like a waiter." Felix went to change. "Makes your legs look short." Felix went to change. "That one's aging you." Felix went to change.

By the fifth suit I lost it and laughed. I let him off the hook. "Perfect. Very handsome. You'll ruin every man in the room." Felix went to pay, chin up, insufferable.

The thing about him is, no wonder he made it. Smart. Easy. Never once acted like he was above anybody. Being around him is like weather you don't have to think about.

In the car we went down the guest list for the night one more time. I gave it one extra pass. There was no Fenwick anywhere on it. Good. Startups live on contacts.

A night like this is the best room you can be in. I just didn't expect to run into Julian Shen there. Chapter 5 Six months in New York. Six months since I came back.

After Felix, I let every social account go dark and stopped answering anyone from before. I didn't go home either.

Even my diploma got signed for by Dia, in my name, back in New Haven. The truth is I'd spotted Julian about a minute after we walked in. He was standing with Ellen Qin.

The two of them looked like a magazine couple. "You know them?" Felix, under his breath. Nothing came out of my mouth. It was only that I hadn't expected it.

The Shen family made things. Factories, freight, steel. Last life they never touched games. Julian had no business being in this room.

The part that had even less business happening came next. He must have felt us looking. He raised his eyes.

Across the whole champagneanddiamonds length of that room, he looked at me. And his eyes went red: "Ellie